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Thanksgiving 2011

Posted on November 24, 2011 by mothernatureschmature

The past few days have been beyond rough. Especially since the regular doctors left for the holiday and allowed Doctor Doom and Gloom to stand in. Dr. Doom and Gloom threw me through a loop after all the hope that Doctor “that British guy”, as my mom calls him, gave us. I must admit to a total emotional breakdown in the arms of my aunt around 7pm this evening. I can only handle so much. I just wish she was doing better. She was hitting all her markers and without warning started to backslide horribly. I have no idea what is going on. I am tired, I am emotionally drained, I miss my family, my house is a mess and while i want to spend 8 hours a day plus 2 hours drive time to be with my mom, I just don’t think I can keep up this schedule. It is breaking me already. I need to know when to say when and according to my Aunt, that time has arrived.

In other news, a tad twingy and lots of cervical mucous. Still only side effects. Oh and starting to break out again.

Happy thanksgiving to you all. I wish i was feeling a bit more thankful and hopeful. Unfortunately, and not to be a downer, that’s just not the case. I’m sorry. I hope you all had a wonderful day.

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Welcome to Crazy Town, Population 1

Posted on September 27, 2011 by mothernatureschmature

Holy Wow. I am a raving lunatic today. Like a full-fledged crazy. What triggered it? I have NO IDEA. I think maybe the fact that my cramps are getting progressively worse. Like It hurts to stand up all the way straight kinda worse. I just don’t want them. Don’t want what they represent. Don’t want them.

Does anyone have any idea, can birth control pills cause extreme insanity during PMS? Like PMS x 1000? I mean beside the acne they’re causing, and the extreme difficulty in losing weight even with watching my diet and running 3-4 miles a day. But ok, the acne and the weight “plateu” I can deal with. This insanity? This calling my husband on the phone and making to him listen to me cry because I have no idea why I’m crying and all I know is that I can’t stop and that I’m drowning in emotions I can’t even begin to name muchless explain? I can’t handle this. I’m sure he can’t handle this. I just want to go home and go to bed. In fact, I think I will. Or at least go home to a heating pad. I want to go home and be happy, dammit, and smile and have a good time with my family and not feel like I am doing everything I can to keep my head above water.

Ok so on a lighter note, anyone with endo ever buy the endo-resolve (or similar) endometriosis diet book? Worth the money? Anyone have any brilliant body changes by changing thier diet or is it all a bunch of hooplah? Oh ok, I’ll admit it, I’m at the point that I’m all about hooplah and trying ANYTHING that might work. I mean hello, my bathroom counter looks like the vitamin isle at Walgreens. Who’s blog was it that I read that she called the unborn baby psychic? Can I get that number? =) AYYYYYYGAAAADDDDD… See? NUTS, I tell you! (no offense to the unborn baby psychic caller-I totally feel you). And then, there is an acupuncturist in my town that actually acts as a medium for your body and allows your body to speak to you. I went to her once on accident not knowing that my body would have so much to say (or that the body-medium thing would even happen) but now? I may go back. I’d like to have a little chit-chat with this freaking endometriosis and tell it to back the hell down, while also finding out what the hell it exactly has against me to be causing me so much pain?

OMG. anyway, like I said, Crazytown, population 1, thats me…

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What a Wreck

Posted on August 17, 2011 by mothernatureschmature

I’m an emotional person on a good day. I cry. A lot. Throw in 3 years of struggling with infertility culminating in an IVF miscarriage and a huge hormone crash, and I am a freaking wreck. There. I said it. I’ll admit. I’m done. There is nothing that hasn’t made me cry in the past couple of weeks. Things that normal, non-hormonally demented people would NOT cry over.

  1. I cried when, after 3 months, I finally got the ok to do my normal cardio exercising, I could only run one minute and 34 seconds. Yes, on the treadmill, at the gym, infront of a mirror just so that EVERYONE in the damn place could see.
  2. I cried the next day at the gym, when I went to flip on Pandora and  realized that I had brought my broken ear buds.
  3. I secretly cried under my huge sunglasses because Shamu is a beautiful animal and I was worried that he and his other sea creature friends would have been so much happier with a life out in the wild.
  4. I cried when I found out my son spilled milk on my dad’s computer.
  5. I cried because I thought my foot was broken. NOT because of pain or anything like that, but because I couldn’t bear the thought of one more trip to one more doctor. (It’s not)

Another thing that can bring me to tears at a moments notice, no warning, no chance to stop it, is music. Here are some songs that have recently done me in.

  1. “Move Along” by All American Rejects…”When all you got to keep is strong, move along move along, like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through”…
  2. “Jack and Diane” by John Mellencamp…”Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone, now rock on”
  3. “For the First Time” by The Script…”And we don’t know how, How we got in to this mad situation, Only doing things out of frustration, Trying to make it work but  man these times are hard”…

There are so many more things, so many more songs that have made me just break down sobbing without warning. This is rough. It’s hard to hide. “We’re smiling but we’re close to tears”…another line from “For the First Time” that says it perfectly. Even when I’m smiling, I’m pretty damn close to crying. It’s always right there waiting for something to set it off.

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