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Category Archives: cancer
It’s Friday, It’s Friday
I’m sorry I’ve been such a downer as of late. My blog was supposed to be a depressing catalog of infertility ramblings, rather than a depressing site dedicated to my feelings about cancer. I apologize if I have thrown you off subject.
You’ll be happy to know that Day 1 “DPO” (haha with an FET you can almost pretend you are doing this the normal way because you are following somewhat of a cycle), and I have no progesterone symptoms yet. Oh, don’t think I’m that naive, I know that they are coming. I said YET. By this time next week I can assure you that I will be a raving lunatic all hopped up on hormones.
One of the things about cancer is that it affects all people differently. Hearing about it for the first time, many people offer condolences. Many just shake thier head quietly and look away. Some are emboldended to ask the tough questions, but mostly those are the people who really have no business asking at all. They are emotionally removed but want the gory details. Then there are the people who have loved ones who have fought the disease and lost. There is a chance that my mother could be a survivor, but there is a chance that she could not. There is a chance that sometime in the future I may be one of these people who’s faces plainly reveal a familiarity with the pain that is cancer, as soon as the word is uttered. They have been where I am now standing. They know the long journey that I am about to embark upon. It is something that only those who have been with someone who has fought cancer can know. They know that words can not prepare me. That there is no book or no doctor given explaination that can prepare me for the horror of watching someone you love endure chemotherapy. Endure being sick. Endure being unable to eat or drink. Endure frightening physical deterioration. I know that they feel sorry for me, but in many cases I know that my admission that the disease has settled itself upon my family opens old wounds for them. Wounds that have quite possibly never healed. My story may dredge up old sadnesses or anger long repressed. There is anger. Cancer is a very maddening disease. It is not selective of who it crawls into, stealing away their strength and taking over cells. It does not care if you have children or a husband or a wife or grand kids or future plans. It only cares that you have blood and tissue and cells to feed on. It is a hungry disease and it will eat you away, giving no thought to the massive destruction that it leaves behind. And the guilt. There is such guilt. About not spending enough time, about not feeling the right way, about feeling angry at the disease. Maybe even at the person for being sick. We feel guilty for not knowing sooner. We knew she wasn’t feeling well, why didn’t we make her get checked out sooner? How could we not have known? How did we let it get this far without intervening? We should have known that the cancer was there. There are people that know these feelings. That have been through them. Have been to hell with a loved one but come back alone. That is what cancer does. It leaves you alone.
Cycle Day ’0′
Over the past few weeks I’ve almost kind of forgetten about my infertility all together. Even remembering to take my folic acid, asprin and estrace is a lot. I can honestly say that the FET is easy. Expensive, and yes, some drugs are involved. But its easy. As far as symptoms, I really only had a few over the first few days of the Lupron. Since then nothing. Of course I started the progesterone tonight so soon the real symptoms will start. Those are the ones I want to pay close attention to, so that after the transfer I’m not wracking by brain trying to remember what my body was doing and what it was not.
According to my medication schedule, today is cycle day “0″, so I guess for a “normal” person today is ovulation day. Just 6 more days to go…
My mom is beginning to do better, though I’m not quite sure what is going on with her sometimes. I have found a lot out and because of the things I’ve found I’ve learned that I have a lot of work ahead of me. Paperwork wise. Trying to get her insured and going through the process to get my sister insured as well. Please people, don’t ever go without insurance. I know it is expensive but that is what county and state programs are for. Use them if you have to. I swear to you it is better than finding out that you have cancer with no coverage of any kind. I have been going crazy with paperwork to try and get her some sort of coverage that will retro back and cover her hospital stay. Her surgery will just have to be paid for out of pocket, but you can’t really put a price on that sort of thing.
It is what it is. It is exhausting. It is heartbreaking and it is hard. It is frustrating. It is coffee cart and hospital cafeteria and fast food. It is dirty clothes and dressing out of the dryer. It is dishes in the sink and wet towels on the floor. It is hospital beds and medication schedules and chicken broth. It is the “Cooking for Cancer” cookbook and pamphlets about radiation and chemotherapy on the coffee table. It is missing my family and wishing for a home cooked meal. It is realizing how deep my love is for my family and finding that I would do anything for them, day or night. It is the pit in my stomach as I watch my grandfather watching his second born daughter suffer. It is me looking to my little brother, whom I have always taken care of, for support. But most of all, it is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what will become, fear of this disease that has taken too many far too soon. It is cancer. Silently spreading. Black, corrosive, malignant cancer. I am afraid.
